Briar Rose, character Gemma
setting: David's house, David's school, local store and Gemma's house.
David had finally given up. He had enough of what was happening to him. He decided tomorrow, Monday, would be the day. While standing in his basement, hoping for food that cold Sunday night, he was thinking. Thinking about the bell ringing the next day. Thinking about where he would go. About what his mother would do if he got caught. Thinking about running away.
Monday morning seemed to take forever to come. Eight periods went by, hour by hour, minute by minute. Finally, the ring from above sent him free. But where? Who would take him in without telling anyone. He had stolen money from his mother that money right before school. Since she had been drinking all morning, she would not realise anything until much later that night.
First to the local grocery store for food. He grabbed the cheapest, fattiest food and a few waters and headed towards the counter.
"What's this for?" the man behind the table asked.
"My family," he lied.
"Oh really?" the man questioned him.
David replied, "Maybe."
"Son, tell the truth."
"I'm not going home, please don't tell my mother. I will go home right now and stay there forever and ever and I won't ever think about it ever again. Please don't tell her, please."
"Calm down boy. Where would you stay?"
"I'm not sure, sir. Why?"
"I have somewhere you can go. Where you can be safe. Come follow me."
The man closed the store and headed outside. He told David to quickly get into the back of his car. David agreed and shuffled in as fast as he could. Once the man was in the car he asked why.
"So no one would see you. So no one would ask where I'm taking you."
"Where are you taking me?" David finally realised that he had no idea where he was going.
"To a place where you can stay," he replied. "And by the way, my name is Scott."
"Nice to meet you Scott. My name is David. Well, you probably already knew that since you're helping me run away. You have to know something about me. Something about what goes on. How?"
"The way you look. Boy that's the way I..I was treated the same way you are but by my father. I didn't get help. Now you do."
The rest of the ride the two of them were quiet. Hours they drove, the only noise was the sound of the tires against the highway. Then, after getting of the busy road and turning onto a backroad, Scott pulled into the driveway of a small, cute house. He got out of the car and knocked on the door. A lady opened the door and they talked for what felt like an hour. Then Scott waved David out of the car and introduced the old lady as Gemma. Scott then left and David followed her into the kitchen. She insisted he ate and once he sat and began to chew she began to talk.
"You are going to stay with me. Is that okay? Because you are about 600 miles away from your home town and if you would like to go back to your family, then you can," she said quickly.
"That's perfect. I'm glad to be away from home. But I do not want to be a hassel for you, ma'am. I will do anything to stay here," he replied.
"It's fine. You are no hassel and I do not want you to think of yourself as one. You will be like my grandson. My only grandson," she said.
"Don't you want to know about me. You know, before you have a strange boy live in your home?" David asked Gemma.
"Yes I would love to know about you. But first let me tell you a story. A story I love telling," Gemma replied.
And with that she began, "Once upon a time, which is all times and no times but not the very best of times."
After reading your story I was very happy for David. Im glad he could have a nice home and food to eat. I'm glad he was away from his abusive mother.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I thought the diagloge between the characters was very real and believable I thought that it didnt seem fake.
"While standing in his basement, hoping for food that cold Sunday night, he was thinking. Thinking about the bell ringing the next day. Thinking about where he would go. About what his mother would do if he got caught. Thinking about running away." that was my favorite part. I dont know why, it just was.
Some things I found "problamatic" were when Scott was taking Dave I thought he was kiddnapping him! Haha. And where did Scott go when he left Gemma's? I'm assuming back to California.
I really really liked your story! Great job :)
Great story Lizzy. Your story made me feel grateful for David because he gets a new home. When I was reading your story i could picture the whole thing from David sitting at school staring at the clock to him sitting listening to Gemma talk.
ReplyDeleteFor the most part, the dialogue between your two characters seemed very realistic. My favorite line was, "He decided tomorrow, Monday, would be the day." I like this line because it seemed like a turning point for David and the rest of the story.
One this i found distracting was that the dialogue was a little bunched together and could have been spread out better throughout the story. Other than that,I didn't see many problems with your story.
Next time you may want to consider spreading out the dialogue more in your essay. It would make it a little easier to read. Other than that, I loved your story and i think you did a great job!
After reading your story i felt very happy at the beggining when he stood up for him self and said that he wanted to leave but in the middle i thought it was a little werid that the guy wouldnt tell him where he was going.
ReplyDeleteThe conversation and diagloge was very good and i can picture them talking. The conversations were my favorite.
"Yes I would love to know about you. But first let me tell you a story. A story I love telling," Gemma replied.And with that she began, "Once upon a time, which is all times and no times but not the very best of times." I absolutly love this line because it seems like a story teller would say that and she is a story teller.
you said "You are going to stay with me" when you could of just said you're going to stay with me.
One piece of advice i would give you is to maybe check for any other words that could be probelmatic. But overall it was a really amazing story and I loved it.
I rather enjoyed this story Lizzy. I feel happy after reading this story because it's great that David gets away from his family. I can picture the car ride to Gemma's and how it would probably be quiet and maybe awkward. I like at the beginning when it explains how he was thinking. I like this part becasue it shows what a big deal it is for him to leave. How nervous he is and how much thought he has put into his plan.
ReplyDeleteI thought the dialogue was fairly realistic. I think some part were to drawn out and didn't really sound like the way people talk. But oveall I think it sounded pretty realistic.
"But where? Who would take him in without telling anyone?" This was my favorite line of the story because it shows just how hopeless and alone David would have felt. I think it makes the reader feel a little bit of what David's feeling.
I think one thing that you could work on next time is making the sentences flow a little more. At some points it sounded a little choppy. But overall I really liked it.
Great Job! =]